please

you guys are probably doing some interesting shows. my hat is off to you. it is time for a new logo though.

Excerpts from "The Ask" by Sam Lipsyte

(thanks for sharing the link CM)

Meditation for Beginners

• Breathe. I can’t overstate the importance of this item. You’re going to eventually not want to breathe. Your body may even cooperate with you on this one, particularly if you “mistakenly” place the pillow over your mouth and nose. Fortunately, your massively swelling abdomen—which, really, what’s the deal with that, seeing as you don’t eat anymore since nothing has any taste or seems worth ingesting and the only thing you put in your body is a continuing series of increasingly cheaper brands of vodka?—will eventually expand and contract to the point where you sputter back to the disappointing reality of life. It’s more pleasant if you do this on your own rather than have your lungs force it upon you.

• Don’t masturbate. Not only don’t you deserve it, you don’t want to know how much more infinitely sad you’ll be afterward.

TENNIS ANYONE?

Is anyone going to that BNP Billie Jean King Cup thing at Madison Square Garden on March 2nd?
If not, are you getting rid of your tickets?

email is on upper right ---->

CHIMP RAMPAGE

Every sentence guaranteed to be crazier than the last:

Each night, Sandra Herold and her beloved chimp, Travis, would share a glass of wine before snuggling in bed together.

The violence began shortly after Travis consumed a meal of fish and chips and then Carvel ice cream...

He [the chimp] then went outside and couldn't be coaxed back in. She tried to give Travis tea with Xanax to calm him, but he wouldn't drink it, she said.

Travis also wore a diaper, and mangled Herold's friend's face and hands beyond recognition. Quite sad. Even sadder is that a 70 year-old woman was drinking a glass of wine and snuggling with a chimpanzee every night then trying to coax it with Xanax-laced tea.

JUICE FREE SCRUBS WEEK #1 JOHNNIE LEMASTER

Nothing but pro baseball players who clearly never used any roids or HGH. Which probably led to his lifetime .222 batting average and this.

I may have seen him play at Wrigley once or twice. Beyond that, I do not care.

IMAGE FROM THIS GREAT SITE CARDBOARD GODS

How to Fix Our Economy

Here's my modest (and moronic) proposal on how to fix the economy...

...Singles will spend money on dental work and tanning, as well as lessons in dance and etiquette, in order to get their piece of the pie.

Okay, maybe I'm not done with the Jets yet...

As for the secondary, see above. I wouldn’t be surprised if Jim Leonhard, the free agent safety in Baltimore, follows Rex Ryan north. The Jets need another cornerback, probably two, and they also could use another safety.

That would be kind of cool. Also, my Jets thing was a bit over the top. Their fans and franchise are certainly no worse than the Packers as of late. When I was in Wisconsin over Xmas--and this was not the only time I heard this sentiment--a buddy told me (regarding Favre) "You don't know what he put us through over the past few years." Yes, all of that arson, rape, and disregard for parking regulations certainly added up. Favre was a MONSTER. He put Wisconsin in a half-nelson of agonizing misery for centuries. He was like a goddamn Hun. And, what with me being in New York and only receiving the random telegraph or two, usually months after all of Favre's footed-ball contests and stump speeches, it was IMPOSSIBLE for me to know the dramas of an NFL team 1,000 miles away. I was also in the hospital with both T.B. and polio, so news from the sporting industry was a luxury I could not often attend to.

In truth, Favre unretired about 1.5 times. Revisionist history is a sad phenomenon. It stems mostly from sideline reporters over the past 5 years corralling a sweat-covered Favre on the field, seconds after his final game of each season and asking "What's next for you? Gonna hang it up?" And him saying, "I need time to think." How DARE he?!

And I think many of the people who say, "You don't know what he put us through over the past few years," were spoiled by Favre's success to begin with. They don't remember the days of Eric Torkleson and Paul Ott Carruth. You don't know what the franchise put its fans through. Then again this is a fan base that has no trouble promoting the myth that they shot a coach's dog once.

RELATED: Packerland Follies '08

AFSCME

discovered at this wonderful site

Think of the Parking Lot Tailgates

I'm sure plenty of assholes would need "miracles" every Sunday, and more than a few would be selling grape jelly -vikings- PBJs in the lot with the hopes of getting into the game. I'd go for sure though. Resurrect that bearded wonder.

Excuse Me, Stuart, is it Really About the Bread?

In the new ESPN the Mag, a reader CHRIS of Jacksonville asks this of Stuart Scott in his "Two Way" column:

Is Pat Tillman worthy of Hall of Fame talk? No disrespect to him, but if he is, my uncle is too. He played for the Browns for four years before he enlisted and was killed in action in Vietnam. Help me out here, Stuart.

Stuart's answer: I appreciate your uncle's service, and those like him should probably be recognized in some way. But I think what makes Pat different is having walked away from $3.6 million near the beginning of what could have been a very lucrative career. Given the circumstances, his decision naturally received a lot of attention. So in addition to his substantial sacrifice, I think you have to consider the impact his decision had on us all. In my opinion, he deserves to be in the Hall.

___________

My two cents:

I think both Chris's uncle and Pat Tillman should be recognized in some respectful way, but probably not in the NFL's Hall of Fame. (Maybe the Cardinals should ask the University of Phoenix to rename their stadium for at least one home game a year as Pat Tillman Field, and make sure that all of the announcers repeat this throughout the game as much as possible, so that we don't forget what Tillman did. It might make us couch potatoes a bit more thankful for what we have.)

But I don't see Chris's uncle and Pat Tillman as being any different, and all I see in Stuart's answer is "WOW 3.6 MILLION BUCKS!!" I believe Tillman, and whomever this cat's uncle was had a higher purpose than any contract could offer. It is sad that Tillman's sacrifice, to Stuart at least, seems more worthy simply because of a dollar amount attached to it. In terms of the impact of Tillman's decision, I wish it would have knocked more sense into us, but apparently it has not. I'm not sure why this irked me so much, given that a lot of times my arguments are wafer-thin and contain zero logic. Is it really 'cause Tillman sacrificed cash? Isn't giving a life, giving a life? What metric do you put on both guys' families' loss? I doubt they look at their bank statements when they're feeling especially bummed out about their relative's sacrifice.

Denise Duhamel

via Dust Congress:

The husband was tempted by the thought
of enormous green female genitals and agreed without asking his wife's opinion.

An Open Letter to Mike Vaccaro and the rest of the NY POST sports staff

Are you guys at all affected by the idiot fumes pulsating off of Serby?

I'll hang up and listen,
JJ

THANK GOD I DON'T HAVE TO ROOT FOR THE JETS ANYMORE

That's all.

In the whole time I've lived in New York, last season was the only time I really paid attention (read: succumbed) to these underachieving crybabies and their even more underachieving crybaby fans. 16 Sundays down the drain. My bad.

I'm sick of them reveling in their lack of both confidence and good fortune.

I'm sick of their lionization of big, beefy, FUPA-ed, lesbian-looking head coaches, who ultimately "betray" them, thus kicking off more lame drama.



Bill Parcells has two tummies. A food one. And a love-making one.



(Eric Mangini won't tell his children outright when bedtime is. But if they don't know, there's not much he can do about it. That's all there is to say on this matter.)



(New coach Rex Ryan's physician insists that Rex eat a canoe-full of bacon and mayo once a week, and Rex has vowed to go across the sidelines and sit on opposing teams' punters on several occasions in the 2009 campaign)


I'm sick of Boomer Esiason. Vinny Testaverde. The hindsight whereby Noodle-Arm Pennington becomes a Hall of Famer.

Herm Edwards = coward.

I'm sick of their rivals: Patriots, Bills, Dolphins. I'm sick of hearing about Bill Belichick. And Tom Brady. And Matt Cassell.

And I'm sick of the Jets beat reporters, notably the Post's flip-flopping hypocrite Steve Serby, a man who has amnesia about his own ill-fated propaganda and prognostications.

The only one I will miss is LEON WASHINGTON.

Get him the ball more next season.

This is Why You're Fat

Alerted by a coworker. You may have already seen. Pretty lovely though.

For F's Sake

Yeah, okay. Let's lump Phelps in with these guys on account of all those marijuana steroids he took that made him swim faster.

"Down on Mainstreet"

I know the real title is Mainstreet. But it is a fucking downer in this vein.

"What sort of vibe are we going for with the guitar riff, Bob?"

"Well, can you try to make it sort of like you've been doing stepped-on coke all night long? Like the coke has made it's way thru fourteen or fifteen states before it got to Michigan, and now it is dawn and you are coming down, and your nose is extremely stuffed up and you have $137 dollars in your checking account and you attempted to cheat on your wife (who is on crutches and pregnant with twins) with a toothless 47 year-old barmaid but could not get an erection, and you are feeling very guilty and all of the dopamine in your brain feels like it is made of old rusty toy jacks that have been soaking in Diet Squirt, and you are nursing the last half shot of bar rail tequila that has been sitting on the top of your fridge for 17 months, and it is -13 degrees outside and you just want to watch television and you pick up the remote control to find that your standard poodle has chewed it all up, so now you have dog saliva over your hands, and your phone rings and it is Tammy and you're gonna need to skedaddle to work to fill in for her because she can't get her car started and you owe her 275 dollars and you can not say no?"

"Yeah, no problem. How does this sound..."

Cat Power & Kid Rock to Host Weekly Variety Show

This is of course not true. Yet. I do think they could be the Sonny & Cher of this generation. I hope they meet and fall in love and do a TV show. I'm not sure why. I think because it would be both amazing and a catastrophe at the same time.

Now Who Knows the "Net" Leitch?

in response to this....

I found this:

SULLENBERGER SULLIED

The guts and know-how to land a plane on a river with ZERO casualties.
The judgment to wear a MOCK TURTLENECK to a public appearance on a national stage??
Difficult for this blogger to reconcile the two.
C'mon Sully! We love you. Get a stylist.