Meditation for Beginners

• Breathe. I can’t overstate the importance of this item. You’re going to eventually not want to breathe. Your body may even cooperate with you on this one, particularly if you “mistakenly” place the pillow over your mouth and nose. Fortunately, your massively swelling abdomen—which, really, what’s the deal with that, seeing as you don’t eat anymore since nothing has any taste or seems worth ingesting and the only thing you put in your body is a continuing series of increasingly cheaper brands of vodka?—will eventually expand and contract to the point where you sputter back to the disappointing reality of life. It’s more pleasant if you do this on your own rather than have your lungs force it upon you.

• Don’t masturbate. Not only don’t you deserve it, you don’t want to know how much more infinitely sad you’ll be afterward.