12/27/2007

Dear Giants, Your Super Bowl is on Saturday

This notion may have been covered elsewhere, but I'm compelled to let the record show how I feel about how the NY Giants should approach Saturday's game with the Patriots, just in case I die, or the Giants do the exact opposite of what I suggest:

PLAY YOUR STARTERS.

TRY TO WIN!!!!

You're not going to get very far in the playoffs, anyway. Why? You suck. Jesus. Take a look at yourselves. Dallas owned you. The Packers owned you. Any time you played at team that was even halfway good, you lost. You beat patsies. Your little hotstreak included a whopping three point mugging of the Dolphins in England.

Also: Eli Manning can not throw or play or even draw a properly shaped football. He's like Chuck fucking Knoblauch out there. Speaking of that, sign him, so I can see Junior Seau splinter his calves on live television. God, am I getting sick of seeing Eli's mouth-breathing, teenage-acne'd mug attempting to convey consternation with..uh, what, exactly... the fact that 98% of his passes go backwards??? He makes Pennington look like Joe Montana. The best players from the Giants and Jets together would make a 6-10 team. How is it possible NY doesn't have one pro quaterback on either team??? It is impossible to imagine Eli Manning wearing a Super Bowl ring.

Sorry Eli, I am just taking my frustrations out on you, rather than your pukey dad Archie "Ryan O'Neal" Manning. There's only one quarterback in the family. Two confirmed guys who refuse to use their noses to breath, but, alas, only ONE quarterback. And it ain't you or dad. Anyone who has ever been a San Diego Charger fucking moonwalks whenever they hear your name right about now, I'm guessing. Why is it you break the huddle looking like you're carrying a tweezers, a soccer ball and a coupon from Jean Louis David.

(Note: I have not seen you take a snap all season.)

Anyway, Giants, I know none of you are reading this, (Tom Coughlin only reads Stars & Stripes and Reader's Digest, when his wife hands them up from her bunk stationed directly beneath his) because you're all trying to figure out a way to party with Jeremy Shockey on NYE, but...if you want to be remembered or thought of as a good team, it won't be because you lost 23-14 on the road to Tampa in the first round of the playoffs. It will be because you beat the Patriots in the last regular season game, denying them their precious perfect season. The whole country will be watching this game. This is, to me, the biggest game of the season. And, the Patriots have trouble with teams that suck--like the Ravens and the Eagles. Those teams play your kinda football = HAPLESS and SHITTY.

This is an opportunity to create history. Forecast: It is going to be rainy and ugly and New Jersey. So just hand the ball off to one of your 36 running backs, and let your defense do the rest of the work, that is if Michael Strahan isn't too busy chillin' with Ryan Cabrera. Related-- the video below is why Santa took the year off:



Coughlin, sitting your best players and guaranteeing your squad a loss basically guarantees you a loss early in the playoffs. If you guys aren't men enough to be hungry or ready for this opportunity, you do not deserve to win any playoff games. This is the chance that just about any team in the NFL would be relishing right about now, so don't take the cowardly way out.

RELATED...TO DO ON SAT NITE: Drinking Game

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