6/08/2005

CHRIS KLEIN'S REBUTTAL

Chris Klein: (pacing) Tom Cruise is weird? I'm weird! I am. I love women. I do. I love Katie. Still! I love a lot of stuff. Gazpacho. I'm pregnant with my lust for gazpacho.

Agent: Back-up.

Chris Klein: I do wild stuff. Crazy. Like Charles Manson. Loco. Look at this foot work. Should I stagger like this? I'm waffle batter. Pour me into the crazy machine.

Agent: Come on, man. Wow! I'm either going to say "wrong" or "nope" the whole time. When I do, you will re-direct.

Chris Klein: Uh. Ugh. I seduce squirrels!!! I do. Out in the woods. I put little bandannas on tiny wooden tables, pour 'em a little vino, throw 'em a couple of nuts and then, you know!! it gets intense! Swear on a million bibles. Even get their cab fare home.

Agent: Wrong. But keep going.

Chris Klein: Okay. Okay. That wasn't right. I do not. I'm totally embarrassed. Squirrels aren't meant to be made love to by human people. I know that. If one had a crush on me, I would find something more decent to do with it. Agh! Like throw it in a sack with TOM CRUISE'S face stenciled on it and dump the whole works in the goddamn river. Fucking squirrels! Fucking Cruise! Damn! I am crazy, I tell you. Where's my blockbuster? Where is my summer blockbuster?

Agent: (looking at watch)

Chris Klein: Okay, let me get meta. I am an android figure! I've been hiding it, afraid to let it out. Afraid no more! I'd say it just like that, then let out this weird whoop noise. Uh, AND I have a shovel that is magic that my android character uses to thwart evil. It's behind the furnace because it is not magic right now. Get it?

Agent: Sorry, no.

Chris Klein: That's how good of an actor I am. You saw a magic shovel when you heard that, didn't you? Didn't you? Even though this shovel is primarily used to liberate poodle shit from my folks' backyard. Ah, the power of imagination. Psych. They don't even have a poodle.

Agent: Are you trying to sell me a radio ad, or get your ass back in some huge movies?

Chris Klein: Sorry, but I'm in the zone! That was a keeper. Mocassins! I'm gonna wear them all friggin' day now. Listen, the last couple of months have been wild for me. Ooh boy. I need to sit down. That's how crippling my craziness is. My craziness, in case you didn't know is due to love. Is this appealing at all? I mean, even in a bad way? I hope so.

Agent: So far Oprahis over here. And you? You are whatever is 14 million miles from the set of Oprah.

Chris Klein: I should have been the one to screw that pie. That would have helped. Wait. You want me to take it from the top?

Agent: Yes. Just let it all out. I'll tell you when it gets good. If it gets good.

Klein: So, okay. Do over. I'll sit calmly. Lure you in. Check this voice out. (clears throat) Katie and I had five years of craziness. Very lucid craziness. Normal craziness. That's why it was so dangerous. Because it was like radon. It would sneak up on you and be like, uh, crazy and stuff. This is the part where I will take a sip of my water or tea and then sigh. Then I will get back into it. Check it. Wild proclamations. I told her I loved her. Whispered it aloud to her once. Over noodles. Oysters. Those exude sex. Then we went and did it. Made love. We made love very tenderly. So tenderly it was nuts. So nuts it made me want to speak to her parents about our future. And look at houses together. We looked at a lot of property.

Agent: I'm going to go get some lunch and then call you on your cellphone in about, well, let's say fifteen years.

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