4/05/2005
SEXXY JOHNNY DAMON PIXXXXXXXXX BELOW
Captions from Johnny Damon's Photo Album at ESPN.com
A dear reader alerted me to the fact that Johnny Damon, who cheated on his wife and married some new hosebag over the off-season, has a bunch of topless shots of himself and his wedding party up at ESPN.com. Anyone who thought Damon was a lovable, humble, good-natured dude will now know that he has become an egomaniacal psychopath, who has a crush on his own dick. He has clearly vaulted the fucking shark and wound up squarely in the Temple of Gay. At least Wade Boggs, who now kills rare animals on safaris, had the decency to put the fucking bat on the ball once in a while. (Whoops, Damon just got his first RBI, I am a dumbass).
Anway, here are the acutal captions, along with my interpretation.
1) "That's me showing off my feet for a Puma ad
that's coming out. I also swung a bat, got
dressed and caught a baseball in the
commercial." He's topless, of course. Looking a bit like Evan Dando mixed with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2) "This is from dinner at Amura in Orlando,
right before spring training. Hopefully, my
"guns" will hit a few more grand slams
against the Yankees this year." I'm hoping not.
3) "I was one of the celebrity guests at the
Daytona and got to ride in the pace car.
Michelle, my wife, and I were tired after a
late night. I had just gotten mobbed at
Daytona. There are Red Sox fans
everywhere! I got to meet Jessica Lynch." Thanks for alerting us to the fact that you are a celebrity. Tough to piece that together, after winning the Series and all. Oh, and you got mobbed? Awesome! Late nite, huh? Up working on your hairdo? Or just partying like the fun-loving idiot you are, bro?!?!? Kick ass. You kick some ass. I'm sure when Jessica Lynch was held captive in Iraq she thought about the Sox a lot.
4) "That's the fishing trip around my wedding.
[From L - R] Arden my Puma rep; my cousin
Todd; Mike O'Malley from the show "Yes,
Dear"; Morgan Rose from Sevendust, and
Kozo Shimano This was my team and there
were five other boats fishing against us." Fuck my teammates, I'm gonna bring my shoe rep, a guy from a shitty sitcom and a member of perhaps one of the worst bands of all time on my wedding trip. Nothing says matrimony like a good ol' fashion fishing contest with Z-list douchebags! When I get married for the second time, I am going to have the band Mudvayne, Vern Troyer and Connie Selleca wrestle in a wading pool filled with liposuctioned fat from the corpse of Vic Tayback.
5) "That's myself, Michelle, and Debbie Roth, a
friend of mine growing up, jamming out in
the Nitro Lounge the night before my
wedding. We're singing karaoke. I'll sing
anything I can get help on." I thought you were giving an instructional speech on overcoming mental retardation. I didn't know you practied the rare Oriental art known as karaoke! Tip: If you need so much "help," don't start singing in the first place. Odds are you have a voice that makes Grady Little sound like Marvin Gaye. Also always make sure you mention yourself first, in any photo caption, no matter what. You already do that? Okay, cool.
6) "Michelle and I cutting the wedding cake. You
can see the shirt I wore for the reception
was a little fun." Have you no shame, Johnny? It should say "ME ME ME and Michelle..." This picture looks like what happens when Tim McGraw testifies before Congress about how his father didn't love him until he was famous. This shirt is about as classy as using Diet Mountain Dew for lubrication.
7) "Brian Johnson at the wedding. He's the lead
singer for AC/DC. My comedian friend, Craig
Shoemaker, knew him and Brian said he
would love to come and play. It was a thrill." A thrill? Love your enthusiasm. I can't fault you on this one, though I would bust you for name dropping if I knew who the fuck Craig Shoemaker was. Is he the guy responsible for telling jokes so shitty that every alcoholic within puking distance of Fenway Park finally hangs it up, leaves the ye Olde Irish Pub, and goes home to their seven kids and toothless wives? Then, finding them asleep with bellies full of slowly digesting welfare cheese, stumbles over to the boom box, cues up "Rattle & Hum" and masturbates quietly until the wee hours of the morning with visions of Bronson Arroyo and the Pope in his head? Yes? Got it. Fuck off.
8) "Brian Johnson sang "Route 69" to us. He
figured it was a good rock and love song for
us." I've never heard of this song. Based on the by-the-numbers sexual innuendo of the rest of AC/DC's catalog, though, it sounds like an awesome beginning to a second marriage. You did have this chick sign a prenup, didn't you?
9) "That's me in Jamaica getting ready to dive
into the silent waters. We invited friends on
this part of our honeymoon. The whole
compound was ours and everyone had their
own villa. It was very impressive." The silent waters? How poetic. I think Hemingway is wishing he hadn't killed himself. I'm sure, even at 106 years-old, he'd be up for a collaboration. Maybe Updike will motor into Beantown, crank out a book with you? The last sentence though, is the killer. "It was very impressive." Something I did for my friends was "very impressive." I'm sure they never heard the end of it.
10) "This was one of the bouncy things in the
water in Jamaica. It's me; Michelle; Arden
and his wife Maria, who was a world-class
high jumper; Lisa, my hair stylist; and
another Lisa, who was one of the wedding
planners." My hairstylist? Jesus Christ! You are a fucking poseur, and a calculated one at that. In ten years all of your money will be gone if you immerse yourself in an entourage this retarded. I thought it was all about being an idiot, dude? Last time I checked idiots didn't have hairstylists, and they certainly didn't take them to Jamaica to put shells in their hair. If Ted Williams was still frozen, he's not any more. He is shitting green death all over his casket. The guy quits baseball to fly fucking planes in WWII and you bring a hairstylist to Jamaica?
Oh well, works for me. Just make sure to throw that helmet off as fast as possible every time you're done batting, Johnny. Has your second wife convinced you to move to L.A. yet? Maybe get a walk-on on C.S.I.? Or maybe just co-star in a major motion picture with Ving Rhames or Johnny Depp? You should do it. No stage is too big!
11) "Poolside in Jamaica: I speak no evil. Arden
sees no evil. Dan, a friend whose brother
plays baseball, hears no evil. The girls are
over on the other side rubbing each other
down." Oh yeah. Thanks for telling us what the ladies were doing! I have to stop typing so I can jack-off now. Seriously, when we see three adult men at a pool we don't automatically think you're homosexuals, Johnny. No need to pacify us sports nuts and reconfirm that you like making love to women who have bisexual tendencies. We got it. Loud and clear. Oh fiddlesticks! You are the cutest. It is okay if I have a crush on you, isn't it? I won't go telling everyone. But that hair is, oh my God, you are beautiful! I don't know what to do at night. I usually pretend my pillow is you and then make-out with it until around 4 a.m. then I pretend it's Tedy Bruschi.
12) "Michelle and I were on a glass-bottom boat
in this picture. We went snorkeling out there
and, of course, we had the dreads going." Okay, mon. In my neighborhood they call those braids, but whatever. Best of luck to you and the Red Sox this year. I don't even like the Yankees.
A dear reader alerted me to the fact that Johnny Damon, who cheated on his wife and married some new hosebag over the off-season, has a bunch of topless shots of himself and his wedding party up at ESPN.com. Anyone who thought Damon was a lovable, humble, good-natured dude will now know that he has become an egomaniacal psychopath, who has a crush on his own dick. He has clearly vaulted the fucking shark and wound up squarely in the Temple of Gay. At least Wade Boggs, who now kills rare animals on safaris, had the decency to put the fucking bat on the ball once in a while. (Whoops, Damon just got his first RBI, I am a dumbass).
Anway, here are the acutal captions, along with my interpretation.
1) "That's me showing off my feet for a Puma ad
that's coming out. I also swung a bat, got
dressed and caught a baseball in the
commercial." He's topless, of course. Looking a bit like Evan Dando mixed with our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
2) "This is from dinner at Amura in Orlando,
right before spring training. Hopefully, my
"guns" will hit a few more grand slams
against the Yankees this year." I'm hoping not.
3) "I was one of the celebrity guests at the
Daytona and got to ride in the pace car.
Michelle, my wife, and I were tired after a
late night. I had just gotten mobbed at
Daytona. There are Red Sox fans
everywhere! I got to meet Jessica Lynch." Thanks for alerting us to the fact that you are a celebrity. Tough to piece that together, after winning the Series and all. Oh, and you got mobbed? Awesome! Late nite, huh? Up working on your hairdo? Or just partying like the fun-loving idiot you are, bro?!?!? Kick ass. You kick some ass. I'm sure when Jessica Lynch was held captive in Iraq she thought about the Sox a lot.
4) "That's the fishing trip around my wedding.
[From L - R] Arden my Puma rep; my cousin
Todd; Mike O'Malley from the show "Yes,
Dear"; Morgan Rose from Sevendust, and
Kozo Shimano This was my team and there
were five other boats fishing against us." Fuck my teammates, I'm gonna bring my shoe rep, a guy from a shitty sitcom and a member of perhaps one of the worst bands of all time on my wedding trip. Nothing says matrimony like a good ol' fashion fishing contest with Z-list douchebags! When I get married for the second time, I am going to have the band Mudvayne, Vern Troyer and Connie Selleca wrestle in a wading pool filled with liposuctioned fat from the corpse of Vic Tayback.
5) "That's myself, Michelle, and Debbie Roth, a
friend of mine growing up, jamming out in
the Nitro Lounge the night before my
wedding. We're singing karaoke. I'll sing
anything I can get help on." I thought you were giving an instructional speech on overcoming mental retardation. I didn't know you practied the rare Oriental art known as karaoke! Tip: If you need so much "help," don't start singing in the first place. Odds are you have a voice that makes Grady Little sound like Marvin Gaye. Also always make sure you mention yourself first, in any photo caption, no matter what. You already do that? Okay, cool.
6) "Michelle and I cutting the wedding cake. You
can see the shirt I wore for the reception
was a little fun." Have you no shame, Johnny? It should say "ME ME ME and Michelle..." This picture looks like what happens when Tim McGraw testifies before Congress about how his father didn't love him until he was famous. This shirt is about as classy as using Diet Mountain Dew for lubrication.
7) "Brian Johnson at the wedding. He's the lead
singer for AC/DC. My comedian friend, Craig
Shoemaker, knew him and Brian said he
would love to come and play. It was a thrill." A thrill? Love your enthusiasm. I can't fault you on this one, though I would bust you for name dropping if I knew who the fuck Craig Shoemaker was. Is he the guy responsible for telling jokes so shitty that every alcoholic within puking distance of Fenway Park finally hangs it up, leaves the ye Olde Irish Pub, and goes home to their seven kids and toothless wives? Then, finding them asleep with bellies full of slowly digesting welfare cheese, stumbles over to the boom box, cues up "Rattle & Hum" and masturbates quietly until the wee hours of the morning with visions of Bronson Arroyo and the Pope in his head? Yes? Got it. Fuck off.
8) "Brian Johnson sang "Route 69" to us. He
figured it was a good rock and love song for
us." I've never heard of this song. Based on the by-the-numbers sexual innuendo of the rest of AC/DC's catalog, though, it sounds like an awesome beginning to a second marriage. You did have this chick sign a prenup, didn't you?
9) "That's me in Jamaica getting ready to dive
into the silent waters. We invited friends on
this part of our honeymoon. The whole
compound was ours and everyone had their
own villa. It was very impressive." The silent waters? How poetic. I think Hemingway is wishing he hadn't killed himself. I'm sure, even at 106 years-old, he'd be up for a collaboration. Maybe Updike will motor into Beantown, crank out a book with you? The last sentence though, is the killer. "It was very impressive." Something I did for my friends was "very impressive." I'm sure they never heard the end of it.
10) "This was one of the bouncy things in the
water in Jamaica. It's me; Michelle; Arden
and his wife Maria, who was a world-class
high jumper; Lisa, my hair stylist; and
another Lisa, who was one of the wedding
planners." My hairstylist? Jesus Christ! You are a fucking poseur, and a calculated one at that. In ten years all of your money will be gone if you immerse yourself in an entourage this retarded. I thought it was all about being an idiot, dude? Last time I checked idiots didn't have hairstylists, and they certainly didn't take them to Jamaica to put shells in their hair. If Ted Williams was still frozen, he's not any more. He is shitting green death all over his casket. The guy quits baseball to fly fucking planes in WWII and you bring a hairstylist to Jamaica?
Oh well, works for me. Just make sure to throw that helmet off as fast as possible every time you're done batting, Johnny. Has your second wife convinced you to move to L.A. yet? Maybe get a walk-on on C.S.I.? Or maybe just co-star in a major motion picture with Ving Rhames or Johnny Depp? You should do it. No stage is too big!
11) "Poolside in Jamaica: I speak no evil. Arden
sees no evil. Dan, a friend whose brother
plays baseball, hears no evil. The girls are
over on the other side rubbing each other
down." Oh yeah. Thanks for telling us what the ladies were doing! I have to stop typing so I can jack-off now. Seriously, when we see three adult men at a pool we don't automatically think you're homosexuals, Johnny. No need to pacify us sports nuts and reconfirm that you like making love to women who have bisexual tendencies. We got it. Loud and clear. Oh fiddlesticks! You are the cutest. It is okay if I have a crush on you, isn't it? I won't go telling everyone. But that hair is, oh my God, you are beautiful! I don't know what to do at night. I usually pretend my pillow is you and then make-out with it until around 4 a.m. then I pretend it's Tedy Bruschi.
12) "Michelle and I were on a glass-bottom boat
in this picture. We went snorkeling out there
and, of course, we had the dreads going." Okay, mon. In my neighborhood they call those braids, but whatever. Best of luck to you and the Red Sox this year. I don't even like the Yankees.
