4/13/2005
Lost O'Reilly Transcripts Volume One
Monday night on The O'Reilly Factor, Bill had the editors who put together TIME's 100 Biggest Shitheads of the year or whatever. On the Air, he tussled with every decision they made. What many of you don't know is that the conversation later spilled into the Green Room, over many little Coppola champagne cans.
Bill O'Reilly: Jay-Z over 50-Cent? I don't think Jay is relevant in terms of the street anymore. Now, I'm no 50-cent fan, he's a thug, but word on the street is that he is living large. Are you familiar with that term? It's what colored folks say when they want to articulate the fact that they are enjoying life and its spoils, which I can't help but think have been acquired through ill-gotten--
Editor: Uhp, er.
Bill O'Reilly: Another thing kids like is Mountain Dew Code Red. I'm no soda drinker. Don't touch the stuff, 'cause I know in my heart of hearts it is poison. But the word on the street is it is a hot commodity for all these little sugar heads. These little Red Lake thugs. All hopped up on Mountain Dew Code Red. Firin' guns.
Editor: Oookay. Well--
Bill O'Reilly: Actually, it's not doing so well. I lied. But I lied for a good reason. Actually, I didn't. I had been deceived by liberal operatives into thinking this soda performed well in the marketplace, and when I found out the truth, I simply changed my position. If you think that is spin, well, then you are a Godless communist who applauds the molestation of children. Liberals are willing to lie about soda consumption. That's what the world has come to. So I bet you think that ice cream is popular? Did that make your 100 list? Think again. Kids like Snickers Crunch. They'll devour them. Turn your back on a case of 36 of them and they'll get on 'em like that Augustus pig from Wonka.
Editor: We didn't even--
Bill O'Reilly: I heard that your band has given up their guitars and gotten turntables? Now, whenever I am in Ibiza, and to be perfectly honest I do go there a lot. But it's so over. I was on Ayia Napa when Dizzee Rascal was stabbed. Even helped sop up some of the blood with a, eh, loofa. We're talking the pinnacle of popular culture. I am at the epicenter. I saw The Office way before most Americans. Loved it. Had a friend from the UK burn them onto DVD as right as they were being filmed!
Editor: What the--
Bill O'Reilly: I was offered Tom Ford's job at Gucci when he left. Turned it down. Why? I don't like Italian gays. It's that simple. Picture me fitting in with them. Make sense to you? No, it does not. Plus, I'm not in that league yet as a designer. I'm honest. I'm doing some sandals for K-Mart's Jaclyn Smith collection. And we will see what happens. No sense getting too big for one's britches. And before you get cocky, the Factor does not condone third world labor. My mother is making most of them on good old Long Island U.S.A. Got a problem with that? Tough noogies.
Editor: I think--
Bill O'Reilly: Do you know what Japanese tweeners are doing every morning? I did a trendspotting newsletter for Faith Popcorn. They're actually eating mussels with nacho cheese, and then smearing the excess cheese on their sneakers in a sort of Pollock-ian way.
Editor: Hmmm.
Bill O'Reilly: They go for tens of thousands of dollars on Ebay. Actually it's not Ebay, it's a secret auction website that I can't tell you about unless you pay me $50,000. I'm going jogging with Jack Welch, Stephen Malkmus, this Norwegian pop star Annie, Michael Riedel from the NY Post, and Chloe Sevigny. We're gonna talk about getting into business together. Maybe doing a reality show where we all live in one of the Richard Meier buildings.
Editor: Uh.
Bill O'Reilly: Cat got your tongue? I freelance for Pitchfork. I write the Dos and Don't for VICE. I am going back to Harvard just to get a spot on their crew team. I gave a motivational speech to the Vermont men's hoops team. Scrappers. Malcolm Gladwell was just texting me. He told me he'd been crying. I may direct some amateur adult videos. To be viewed on a whole new platform. Something hand-held. The Pope's people called. I told them I'm not a virgin any more. Can't do it. I'm playing the principal in the movie version of Lipsyte's Home Land. They're letting me improvise much of my dialogue.
Editor: Er.
Bill O'Reilly: Here's a tip: Sport talcs. Research it. I Tivo'ed the Matlock re-run. Gotta watch it. That's irony. I'm actually playing a Tonic benefit tonight. Me and Matt Sweeney. We've been talking to Drag City about--
Bill O'Reilly: Jay-Z over 50-Cent? I don't think Jay is relevant in terms of the street anymore. Now, I'm no 50-cent fan, he's a thug, but word on the street is that he is living large. Are you familiar with that term? It's what colored folks say when they want to articulate the fact that they are enjoying life and its spoils, which I can't help but think have been acquired through ill-gotten--
Editor: Uhp, er.
Bill O'Reilly: Another thing kids like is Mountain Dew Code Red. I'm no soda drinker. Don't touch the stuff, 'cause I know in my heart of hearts it is poison. But the word on the street is it is a hot commodity for all these little sugar heads. These little Red Lake thugs. All hopped up on Mountain Dew Code Red. Firin' guns.
Editor: Oookay. Well--
Bill O'Reilly: Actually, it's not doing so well. I lied. But I lied for a good reason. Actually, I didn't. I had been deceived by liberal operatives into thinking this soda performed well in the marketplace, and when I found out the truth, I simply changed my position. If you think that is spin, well, then you are a Godless communist who applauds the molestation of children. Liberals are willing to lie about soda consumption. That's what the world has come to. So I bet you think that ice cream is popular? Did that make your 100 list? Think again. Kids like Snickers Crunch. They'll devour them. Turn your back on a case of 36 of them and they'll get on 'em like that Augustus pig from Wonka.
Editor: We didn't even--
Bill O'Reilly: I heard that your band has given up their guitars and gotten turntables? Now, whenever I am in Ibiza, and to be perfectly honest I do go there a lot. But it's so over. I was on Ayia Napa when Dizzee Rascal was stabbed. Even helped sop up some of the blood with a, eh, loofa. We're talking the pinnacle of popular culture. I am at the epicenter. I saw The Office way before most Americans. Loved it. Had a friend from the UK burn them onto DVD as right as they were being filmed!
Editor: What the--
Bill O'Reilly: I was offered Tom Ford's job at Gucci when he left. Turned it down. Why? I don't like Italian gays. It's that simple. Picture me fitting in with them. Make sense to you? No, it does not. Plus, I'm not in that league yet as a designer. I'm honest. I'm doing some sandals for K-Mart's Jaclyn Smith collection. And we will see what happens. No sense getting too big for one's britches. And before you get cocky, the Factor does not condone third world labor. My mother is making most of them on good old Long Island U.S.A. Got a problem with that? Tough noogies.
Editor: I think--
Bill O'Reilly: Do you know what Japanese tweeners are doing every morning? I did a trendspotting newsletter for Faith Popcorn. They're actually eating mussels with nacho cheese, and then smearing the excess cheese on their sneakers in a sort of Pollock-ian way.
Editor: Hmmm.
Bill O'Reilly: They go for tens of thousands of dollars on Ebay. Actually it's not Ebay, it's a secret auction website that I can't tell you about unless you pay me $50,000. I'm going jogging with Jack Welch, Stephen Malkmus, this Norwegian pop star Annie, Michael Riedel from the NY Post, and Chloe Sevigny. We're gonna talk about getting into business together. Maybe doing a reality show where we all live in one of the Richard Meier buildings.
Editor: Uh.
Bill O'Reilly: Cat got your tongue? I freelance for Pitchfork. I write the Dos and Don't for VICE. I am going back to Harvard just to get a spot on their crew team. I gave a motivational speech to the Vermont men's hoops team. Scrappers. Malcolm Gladwell was just texting me. He told me he'd been crying. I may direct some amateur adult videos. To be viewed on a whole new platform. Something hand-held. The Pope's people called. I told them I'm not a virgin any more. Can't do it. I'm playing the principal in the movie version of Lipsyte's Home Land. They're letting me improvise much of my dialogue.
Editor: Er.
Bill O'Reilly: Here's a tip: Sport talcs. Research it. I Tivo'ed the Matlock re-run. Gotta watch it. That's irony. I'm actually playing a Tonic benefit tonight. Me and Matt Sweeney. We've been talking to Drag City about--
